Summaries

Synopsis

Three Chinese dudes -- Tony [Elton Chong], Martin [Martin Kim], and some unnamed guy -- arerunning away when Martin falls down. A hand comes up from the earth andtries to grab him, but he gets up and keeps running. A sign appears withdrawings of the three dudes, but the text is in Chinese with notranslation provided. My guess was that they were wanted for thievery (itturns out that they're grave robbers). Meanwhile Fanny [Carrie Lee] and her sister arecooking while their father and a friend talk about the monster who iskilling girls in the village.

Back to the three wanted dudes. They've found a coffin, and they openit. They search the cadaver's teeth for gold but find none. Tony is leftto rebury the coffin, but he checks it out first and finds a goldswastika, which he pockets. Cut to Fanny's sister bathing in a bucket. Manin red (vampire) abducts her, explains that it's her virginity thatbrought him here, and then mesmerizes and stabs her with a spear.

Martin captures a dog and cooks "dog a l'orange soup" for dinner.Suddenly, a fourth guy shows up and tries to capture them. My guess isthat he's a bounty hunter, sheriff, or something. Martin and Noname runaway; Tony gets away by jumping in a lake and grabbing on to a turtle thatquickly pulls him to the other side of the lake. Meanwhile, Fanny bathesthe forehead of her father, who is sorrowful over the loss of hisdaughter. "Probably the monster got her," he moans.

Tony stumbles over a rope while walking through the forest. It leadsto the vampire's house, but the vampire has been alerted by the bellsattached to the rope and is now hiding. The dudes decide to spend thenight in the hut. During the night, the vampire kills Noname via hatchetto head. Martin and Tony run, but not until after the vampire tries tomesmerize them, succeeds with Martin but not Tony, and says to himself,"Nobody can escape my magic powers."

While running away, Tony falls into a pit where an old man is tiedup. Turns out that the old man is a Shaolin master and the vampire is --was -- his student, that is, before the vampire tried to poison theMaster. The vampire wants the Master to teach him Shaolin magic, butMaster refuses. Tony overhears the vampire and Master shouting at eachother. When the vampire leaves, Master attempts to do "eye sorcery" onTony, but Tony resists, much to Master's amazement. Tony attempts to getout of the pit, but he is captured by the bounty hunter who chastizes himfor being a grave robber.

Vampire goes to Fanny's restaurant for lunch. He leaves, and Tony andMartin walk in and ask for a room. That night, Tony wakes up and goes outfor a drink of water. He returns to the bed he is sharing with Martin butit turns out that it's not Martin in his bed. It's the vampire. Thevampire escapes, Tony wets his pants, and Fanny finds her father's severedhead sitting on another bed.

After burying father's head, Tony and Fanny go back to the restaurantand Martin stays to burn some money for the dead. Martin is attacked andkilled by some masked guy who also tries to get Fanny, but Tony beats himoff with a hoe. That night, as Tony and Fanny sleep, the Vampire casts aspell on Fanny, causing her to behead a chicken and drink the bloodspurting from its neck. Then she goes after Tony, rips off her clothes,and orders him to make love to her. Tony resists, and the spell is broken.The vampire is really pissed and can't figure out how Tony is able toresist his magic.

Tony and Fanny go to talk with the Master in the pit. Tony asks to betaught Shaolin sorcery. Master points out that the magic swastiki alreadygives Tony great power but agrees to take him on as a student, but only ifTony will do everything Master says. Tony agrees. They help the Master,who can't get out of his lotus position, to escape the pit. Tony carriesMaster on his shoulders to an abandoned hut and is forced to repair it.[Think "Wax on, Wax off".] When the Vampire finds out that his Master hasescaped, he gets really angry. That night, he sends a bad dream to Fanny,in which she sees Tony speared with a pitchfork. Then he sends another baddream to Tony in which he sees himself being beaten by the masked guy thatkilled Martin.

Tony has finally had it. He's tired of doing all the Master's workand getting nothing in return. When he confronts the Master, the Masteradmits that he doesn't know kung fu martial arts or Shaolin sorcery.Master thanks Tony for building his hut and tells him to go off and getmarried. But Tony has a plan to get Master to reveal his true colors. Hepins another head on his shoulder and attacks Master, claiming to be atwo-headed warrior. The Master fights back easily without even unwindinghis legs. "The time wasn't right to teach you Shaolin magic," explainsMaster.

The time is right now that Tony has learned "knowledge withcompassion" and has opened himself to "inner peace" and "the love of theuniverse." While Tony goes off to pray, Fanny heats some water for theMaster's bath. She has a vision of the vampire and runs off. As Masterundresses for his bath, the masked guy stabs him. Master falls forward,and the stranger sees written on the Master's back some Chinese charactersthat apparently say:

"To master Shaolin sorcery martial arts, you needa young virgin. On her first orgasm, you slit herwrists. Then, from her backbone, you make a magicflute, which you soak in the juice of boiled beechblossom roots. Boil this magic flute for 100 days,after which you'll have made the magic love flute.The magic love flute is the most powerful force inthe universe and will always triumph over evil.When you have this, you have everything."

The masked man cuts off the skin and takes it with him. Then he takesoff his mask and reveals himself to be the vampire. The vampire chokesTony until he passes out, then turns to Fanny, ripping off her clothes.Fanny stabs the vampire's hand and runs out into the yard. The vampirepursues, steps on a pitchfork, and the tines go right through his head.The vampire is dead. Fanny crawls over to Tony and is happy to see thathe's still alive. [Original Synopsis by bj_kuehl.]