Saturday Night Live

The host for the episode is George Carlin, and the musical guests are Billy Preston and Janis Ian. The skits for this episode are as follows: an ESL teacher gives increasingly bizarre sentences to his student, who repeats his every word; until the teacher suffers a fatal heart attack, and the student dutifully acts out an identical "death". New Dad Insurance offers bereaved families a new father to take the place of their deceased one. A distraught rape victim in a courtroom describes the attacker's words in writing, which then confuses an inattentive jurist. Andy Kaufman sings along with a Mighty Mouse record. A reporter interviews the victim of a shark bite who, despite his claims to the contrary, obviously still has all his limbs. Two men, claiming to be a married couple, discuss the benefits of a new vitamin product called Jamitol. A mock ad for pain-reliever Triopenin plays up the product's child-proof caps. Albert Brooks presents a documentary titled "The Impossible Truth," in which he presents several shocking news stories. In the maternity ward of a hospital for bees, father bees anxiously wait to find out if their children will be drones or workers. The Academy of Better Careers offers people an exciting new life answering telephones. Valri Bromfield presents a monologue as a volleyball coach giving some very personal advice to her players before a game. In a mock commercial parodying Lark cigarettes, a truck rolls through town asking people to show their guns. A home security system installer breaks into a couple's home and scares them to death to demonstrate how much they need an alarm installed. Finally, another mock commercial presents 3-bladed razors as an absolute household necessity. During the show, George Carlin performs monologues on blue food, religion, baseball vs. football, and other observations. During the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase reports about President Ford blowing his nose and Emperor Hirohito visiting Disneyland. Billy Preston performs "Nothing from Nothing" and "Fancy Lady," while Janis Ian performs "At Seventeen" and "In the Winter".

The host for the episode is Paul Simon, and the musical guests are Randy Newman and Phoebe Snow. The skits for this episode are as follows: former Chicago Seven member Billy Rubin pitches graffiti wallpaper. The Bees are informed by Paul Simon that their skit has been cut from this week's show. Albert Brooks presents a film of failed Candid Camera-style stunts. A mock commercial demonstrates the strength of Try-Hard batteries in a head-to-head contest powering pacemakers. During the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase reports about President's Ford's car accident and Muhammad Ali's newest name change, while Marv Albert reports on a basketball game between Paul Simon and Connie Hawkins.Paul Simon performs "Still Crazy After All These Years," "Marie," "My Little Town," "American Tune," "Loves Me Like a Rock" (with Jesse Dixon), "The Boxer" (with Art Garfunkel), "Scarborough Fair" (with Art Garfunkel), and "Gone at Last" (with Phoebe Snow and Jesse Dixon). Randy Newman performs "Sail Away". Art Garfunkel performs "I Only Have Eyes for You". Phoebe Snow performs "No Regrets".

The host for the episode is Rob Reiner, but there is no musical guest. The skits for this episode are as follows: a man in a wheelchair inadvertently discovers he can walk, but is unable to repeat the miraculous feat. Rob Reiner performs a number of lounge-singer acts. The National Pancreas Association stresses the importance of taking good care of your pancreas. Rob Reiner, together with his wife Penny Marshall, honors some of the more popular fashion faux-pas. The Golden Needles voodoo acupuncture technique offers healing without surgery. Andy Kaufmann sings along with a record of Pop Goes the Weasel. In an interview with Squeaky Fromme, Fromme keeps trying to assassinate the interviewer, only to fail each time. Dance group The Lockers perform a comic dance. A man speaks out against defamation of droolers. An ad for a moving company promotes their skill at moving people from place to place, though not their belongings. A pair of nuns attempt to emcee their church's talent night. Albert Brooks presents a film about heart surgery. Gilda Radner recites a list of things she ate that day. Rob Reiner blows up at having his ending skit interrupted by the Bees, only to have his rant backfire. During the Weekend Update, Don Pardo is kidnapped and used by the kidnappers to announce their demands.

The host for the episode is Candice Bergen, and the musical guest is Esther Phillips. The skits for this episode are as follows: President Ford gives an accident-laden introduction to the show. Candice Bergen is interrupted during her monologue by one of the Bees. A commercial informs viewers of the opportunities for wealth by becoming an ambassador. A man demanding to see his CIA file is faced with a seemingly insurmountable pile of disarray. A special on intelligent animals profiles the dangerous land shark. A gay man has fond memories of dressing in his mother's clothes. Catherine Deneuve endorses Chanel perfume. Andy Kaufman's foreign man character attempts to entertain the audience, but bombs terribly. Albert Brooks presents previews of new shows for the coming TV season, including an over-dramatic medical series, a show about a frustrated man living with two women, and a Vietnam vet who becomes a veterinarian. A strange man makes a crank call to an airline and begins talking about torturing the receptionist. A reporter interviewing a third-world dictator keeps playing practical jokes on the leader. A talk show host interviews a controversial black author who is very obviously white. Two men discuss whether one should bring his girlfriend home for Thanksgiving while they play Pong. Esther Phillips performs "What a Difference a Day Makes" and "I Can Stand a Little Rain".

The host for the episode is Robert Klein, and the musical guests are ABBA and Loudon Wainwright III. The skits for this episode are as follows: Sherry wins the Miss America beauty pageant, but refuses to accept the honor. Two men discuss the results of their latest mid-term exam while playing Pong. One of the Bees delivers an inspirational message for the Bicentennial about moments in Bee history. An interviewer asks Greg Allman about his love life, but Allman keeps trying to steer the conversation elsewhere. Director Sam Peckinpah describes his vision to a new actress, steadily brutalizing her in the process. A parody ad for Jamitol features a husband and his exhausted wife. An exterminator, horrified at the prospect of killing, shows his partner a film about the history of cockroaches. Gilda Radner offers viewers a number of fire safety tips. A commercial offers viewers a way to save money when shopping with their own pricing gun. Emily Litella appears to pitch her new book. During the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase reports on President Ford bumping his head on a little girl, George Wallace's next run for president, and the execution of David and Julia Eisenhower. Robert Klein performs "I Can't Stop My Leg". Loudon Wainwright performs "Bicentennial" and "Unrequited to the Nth Degree". ABBA performs "S.O.S." and "Waterloo".

The host for the episode is Lily Tomlin, but there is no musical guest. The skits for this episode are as follows: President Ford attempts to speak to the American people while also answering the phones, and manages to hit his head and tumble over his desk. Beethoven, struggling to come up with a new symphony, creates "Tie a Yellow Ribbon," "My Girl" and "What'd I say?". The Land shark continues to prey on unsuspecting apartment dwellers, but just before the shark hunters can catch it, they are told to cut the skit short. A bellboy at the Atlanta Hotel is shocked to find a white woman and a black man staying together. Young Edith Ann talks about going ice skating with her dog. A commercial introduces Spud Beer for people whose electroshock therapy has rendered them senseless. Women starting work on a construction site take lessons in how to harass passing men. Patty Hearst receives a letter from one of her sorority sisters. A girl at a high school dance gossips with an unseen friend about their classmates. During the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase reports on CIA assassination attempts, Ronald Reagan's potential bid for the presidency, Franco's death, Eldridge Cleaver's return to America, and a new Peanuts character. Lily Tomlin performs "St. James Infirmary," "I Got You Babe" and "Bee Scat".

The host for the episode is Richard Pryor, and the musical guest is Gil Scott-Heron. The skits for this episode are as follows: Garrett Morris tricks Chevy Chase into taking a bad fall during a skit. Richard Pryor does an opening monologue about why he doesn't drink or take LSD. A man checks into a hotel managed by a samurai who speaks no English. A black author talks about his latest book in which he disguises himself as white. A woman tries to identify her attacker from a series of stacked line-ups. An interview for a job using word association turns racially tense. Two men discuss a hockey game while playing Pong. A father complaining that blacks are taking over is oblivious to the fact that his entire family has turned black. A major accidentally uses a piece of new equipment that was intended for emergencies. In a sequel to The Exorcist, Regan manages to push both priests over the edge. Albert Brooks tries to make another film while sick in bed. Richard Pryor witnesses a conspiracy theorist get gunned down just before announcing the truth about the JFK assassination. Shelly Pryor sings a song about carousel horses. During the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase comments on homosexuality in sports, Kissinger's accent, and Franco's continuing death. Emily Litella delivers an impassioned speech on busting children. Gil Scott-Heron performs "Johannesburg" and "A Lovely Day".

The host for the episode is Candice Bergen (her second appearance), and the musical guests are Martha Reeves and The Stylistics. The skits for this episode are as follows: President Ford delivers a special message for Christmas and falls out of a tree. An ad for a restaurant where customers can choose their cow, kill it and butcher it. A boy calls home from the police station to tell his parents he's killed 26 people. Candice Bergen invites people to send home movies to NBC, then shows her own movie of herself ice skating with the Bees. A young man comes out of the closet and admits to his family that he's an elf. A pair of strangers at a laundromat share a vicarious romance through their clothes. Two men discuss the prowess one of them has at pinball, while playing Pong. Gilda Radner lists off the things she ate at last year's Christmas. Margaret Kuhn delivers an inspirational message about growing old, and Gary Weiss presents a film about travelers returning home for the holidays. During the Weekend Update, Laraine Newman comments on the New Year's festivities, even though it's still a week early, while Chevy Chase reports from the wrong location and Emily Litella gets worked up over firing the handicapped. Martha Reeves performs "Higher & Higher" and "Silver Bells". The Stylistics perform "You Make Me Feel Brand New". Candice Bergen performs "Winter Wonderland".

The host for the episode is Elliott Gould, and the musical guest is Anne Murray. The skits for this episode are as follows: A quartet of dead musicians perform a piece. Elliott Gould sings during his opening monologue. Gilda Radner and Elliott profess their love for each other through the course of the show and get married. A housewife is caught off guard when a couple of workmen come to destroy her home. The Godfather talks about his feelings about the Tattaglia family in a group therapy session. A commercial presents Shimmer, a combination floor wax and dessert topping. Gary Weis presents a film on lounge singers performing "Misty". A family is trapped in their home by a swarm of killer bees, but before the matter can be resolved the cameras suddenly go off-balance. Forcing Lorne Michaels to confront a drunken control-room director. Albert Brooks presents a film about using audience research to judge his work. Two American Indians speak at a press conference to give their views on stereotyping. During the Weekend Update, Laraine Newman comments on toxic nerve agents, while Chevy Chase once again gets lost on his way to a story. Anne Murray performs "Long Distance Call" and "Boogie With You".

The host for the episode is Buck Henry, and the musical guests are Bill Withers, Toni Basil and The Blues Brothers. The skits for this episode are as follows: A suicide hot-line operator tries and fails to prevent a caller from killing himself. Buck Henry gives a self-effacing speech during the opening monologue, while notices superimposed on the screen tell the real story. A man orders a sandwich at a restaurant run by a samurai. President Ford learns of a new campaign strategy to make him look more intelligent. A speed-reading course is presented that helps people read faster, but not better. A sequel to Citizen Kane is presented in which a reporter investigates Kane's other last words. A mechanic tells his daughter nothing but automotive bedtime stories. Gary Weis presents a film with Buck Henry looking for the funniest person on the streets of New York. Michael O'Donoghue does an imitation of Michael Douglas with needles in his eyes. A spokesman for the American Constipation Society discusses the social pain that constipation causes. During the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase once again gets lost while tracking down a story, while a guest commentator rails against masturbation. Bill Withers performs "Ain't No Sunshine". Toni Basil performs "Wham Re-Bop Boom Bam". The Blues Brothers perform "King Bee".

The hosts for the episode are Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, and the musical guest is Neil Sedaka. The skits for this episode are as follows: A bomb squad is called in to investigate a mysterious package, but unfortunately does not defuse it in time. A casting director for a new Tarzan movie is faced with an aspiring actor auditioning for the lead role, despite having one leg. A maximum-security prison holds auditions for a production of Gigi, in which several of the inmates perform songs they've prepared. Don Pardo presents a luxury vacation plan from inside an elevator. A reporter interviews the owner of the Frog and Peach restaurant about their choice of cuisine. Gary Weis presents a film about novelty store items. A British version of Sonny & Cher sing their own rendition of "I Got You Babe" that turns nasty. A reporter conducts an interview with a male-impersonator actress named Sheila. A team of doctors decides to harvest a body for organs after their patient dies, even though the patient is raising protests. Matthew interviews a shepherd who saw the Baby Jesus for the new Gospel he's working on. During the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase gets a wrong number while trying to reach an Angolan prison, Emily Litella gets confused over Soviet Jewelry, and Laraine Newman conducts interviews in the street on the topic of abortion. Neil Sedaka performs "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" and "Lonely Night".

The host for the episode is Dick Cavett, and the musical guest is Jimmy Cliff. The skits for this episode are as follows: Garrett Morris uses voodoo to get Chevy to fall down. Commercials attempt to draw students into The Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing and The Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation. An accounting firm talks about just how far they'll go to lower their customers' tax bills. Dick Cavett does his version of "Our Town" about New York City, a swell place where crime is rampant and nothing works. Betty Ford gives a personal advice talk where she compares life's problems with dancing. Gary Weis presents a film about a tailor and a plastic surgeon altering each other. An author pitches his new book about pimping in Nebraska. For the Weekend Update, one of the reporters finally reaches Angola, where she is accosted by horny mercenaries, and Emily Litella expresses her displeasure over the Eagle Rights Amendment. Jimmy Cliff performs "The Harder They Come," "Many Rivers to Cross" and "Wahjaka Man".

The host for the episode is Peter Boyle, and the musical guest is Al Jarreau. The skits for this episode are as follows: A restaurant customer in 1929 Chicago asks the waiter to park his car for him, sending the man into the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. Peter Boyle sings a love song to his girlfriend for the opening monologue, oblivious to the fact that she's making out with another man. The Samurais decide to get divorced and must go about splitting their assets, as well as dividing custody of their daughter. Three little girls lip-sync a Natalie Cole song. A pair of drugged-out hippies invite their neighbor in after he receives some of their mail. Ricardo Montalban pitches a new car that seems to be falling apart. The Bees take on the Wasps in a tag-team wrestling match. A reporter interviews "Mr. X", Richard Nixon in disguise, over his new activities. Gary Weis presents a film of children reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Two Brando impersonators have a quote duel. A woman convinces her suspicious husband that all the men he finds in their house are actually household appliances. Garrett Morris recites an obscene valentine for a shocked Gilda Radner. For the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase comments on Patty Hearst and the Winter Olympics, while Emily Litella rants about money spent on canker research. Al Jarreau performs "We Got By" and "Somebody's Watching You".

The host for the episode is Desi Arnaz, and the musical guest is Desi Arnaz, Jr. The skits for this episode are as follows: President Ford receives a word-association test from his psychiatrist that ends with him falling over. Desi Arnaz gives his opening monologue, in which he thanks the cast for the special cigars they gave him. Prisoner Ruben Carter talks about how he gets recognized in prison now because of his National Express card. A man receives consoling from his friends when his 40th birthday doesn't go as he had hoped. Vampire Luciana Vermicelli shares her beauty tips. Desi Arnaz recites Jabberwocky in a very heavy Cuban accent. Desi and his son share some of the initial failed ideas that were proposed before "I Love Lucy" was picked up by the network. An extremely white man named Very White attempts to perform a love song in a soul club. A gangster's wife, named Lucy, gives her husband the wrong gun. Lucy shares some of her more extreme costume ideas with Ethel before sneaking into Ricky's club. A Cuban acupuncture doctor uses cigars on his patients instead of needles. Lucy talks about the new book that her husband has coming out. Jane Curtain shares an important moment in American lesbian history. Desi Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr. perform "Cuban Pete" and "Babalu".

Guest host Jill Clayburgh plays a crusading guidance counselor. Great Moments in Herstory celebrates women. Mr. Bill makes his first appearance. Leon Redbone and Andy Kaufman add to the fun.

The host for the episode is Anthony Perkins, and the musical guest is Betty Carter. The skits for this episode are as follows: Chevy Chase delivers a long and rambling monologue in which he berates critics who claim the cast deliberately wastes time to fill up a 90-minute time slot. In his opening monologue, Anthony Perkins attempts to dispel the common perception that he is creepy, only to finish by eating a fly. President Ford shares his thoughts on marijuana usage. A new dominatrix cleaning service tries to whip lazy housewives into shape. Norman Bates pitches his new school of hotel management, only to be interrupted by his unseen mother. During the weekend update, John Belushi ponders why lions and lambs were chosen to represent March weather and what greater significance they may have, while Emily Litella gets upset over calls to preserve natural race horses. A student complains to her teacher about getting a literal Bee as her grade. A set of movie trailers advertise low-budget horror films in the style of Psycho. Other skits include land scarcity and intra-office extramarital romance. Betty Carter performs "Music, Maestro, Please", "Swing Brother Swing" and "I Can't Help It".

The host for the episode is press secretary to President Ford Ron Nessen, and the musical guest is Patti Smith. The skits for this episode are as follows: The opening act features a return of the dead string quartet. Ron Nessen's opening monologue includes a message from the actual President Ford. An ad for the Bass o' Matic promises a new way for viewers to enjoy bass. Nessen asks the president for permission to appear on a new comedy show, then briefs his boss on his daily schedule. A string of jam advertisers pitch products with increasingly disgusting names, since they must taste good to sound so repulsive. A number of skits feature historic figures like Catherine the Great, Oedipus and Thomas Jefferson. During the Weekend Update, Emily Litella becomes upset over presidential erections. Gary Weis presents a film about the dumps that handle New York's garbage, and the men who work there. An ad pitches new Autumn Fizz carbonated douche. Billy Crystal performs a stand-up routine about the old-time jazz greats he used to know. Re-run ads pitch graffiti wallpaper and Try-hard batteries. Patti Smith performs "Gloria" and "My Generation".

Lorne Michaels tries to lure the Beatles onto the show. Baba Wawa makes her first appearance.

The host for this episode is Madeline Kahn, and the musical guest is Carly Simon. The skits for this episode are as follows: Ronald Reagan attempts to demonstrate that he's in tune with modern black culture, only to get punched out by the musician he keeps inadvertently insulting. A preview for the upcoming series, Wilderness Comedian, presents a man who does stand-up comedy for animals. Baba Wawa attempts to interview Marlene Dietrich, but neither can understand what the other is saying. At a slumber party, several girls are disgusted by the thought of how babies are made. A spokesman for impoverished families in Namibia asks people to please donate their fondue sets. The Bride of Frankenstein gets up from her slab and sings "I Feel Pretty". During the Weekend Update, Emily Litella wonders why everyone is upset over violins on television. Pat Nixon drunkenly writes her memoirs about Richard's nervous breakdown during his final days in the White House. Madeline Kahn performs "Lost in the Stars" and Carly Simon performs "You're So Vain" and "Half a Chance".

The host for the episode is Dyan Cannon, and the musical guests are Leon & Mary Russell. The skits for this episode are as follows: Chevy Chase, lying on his back after a tremendous fall, is informed that the control room clock was running fast and he'll have to do it all again to get it on air. During her opening monologue, Dyan Cannon confesses to a lifelong dream of being swept off her feet by a man on a white horse, and during the rest of the show, different male cast members attempt to re-interpret its meaning to make themselves her dream man. A woman takes a taste test to see which is better: a new diet soda or a glass of phlegm. Participants in a hearing test don't notice that their teacher has been taken hostage by a pair of wanted criminals. A husband catches her wife having an affair, but the woman and her lover make up an outrageous story to explain everything. A Bulgarian travel agent attempts to convince a woman to vacation in Bulgaria. During the Weekend Update, a man claims to have a new version of Howard Hughes' will. Anita Bryant attempts to pitch Florida orange juice while being held hostage in Beirut. A priest tries to deliver a funeral eulogy, but is interrupted by a bad case of hiccups. Roy Waddmaker attempts to sell bathwater of the stars. A soldier gets berated by his drill sergeant for repeatedly flubbing his lines in a recruitment ad. A teenage girl is hoping to make an impression on her dream date, but her parents discover that her date is actually three Hell's Angels. In an home movie, a hubcap thief gets caught up in his work and dragged around town by an oblivious driver. Leon and Mary Russell perform "Satisfy You" and "Daylight"(with John Belushi as Joe Cocker).

The host for the episode is Buck Henry (his second appearance), and the musical guest is Gordon Lightfoot. The skits for this episode are as follows: Chevy Chase announces that because he broke his ankle accepting his Emmy Award, his fall will be done by Laraine Newman, but Laraine instead shoves him off the stage. Buck Henry is supposed to come on for his opening monologue, but is nowhere to be found; after a frantic search, the crew discovers that the security guards don't recognize him and won't let him in the building. Lounge singer Peter Lemon advertises a mood ring that changes color as he sings. The samurai tailor performs alterations on a customer's suit. The host of a call-in show tries to get more controversial when nobody calls him. A restaurant owner invites guest to try his all-toad cuisine. During the Weekend Update, the Patty Hearst trial is reenacted with fruit. Lorne Michaels repeats his offer to the Beatles, adding another $200 to the deal. Baba Wawa interviews film director Lina W. Gary Weis presents a film of Buck Henry interviewing people shopping for toilet seats. Jane Curtain interviews the author of a new sex book, only to find he is painfully shy. Garrett Morris sings "An Die Musik" and Michael O'Donaghue does an impression of Tony Orlando and Dawn with needles stuck in their eyes. Gordon Lightfoot performs "Summertime Dream" and "Spanish Moss".

The host for the episode is Elliott Gould (his second appearance), and the musical guests are Leon Redbone (his second appearance), Harlan Collins and Joyce Everson. The skits for this episode include scenes inside a wax museum and a European poker player, as well as a presentation by Shirley Temple Black. Re-run ads inform viewers how they can join the fast-paced life of stand-by operators, and asks America to show their guns. A doctor warns a woman that she's been neglecting the proper care of her uvula. The crew of The Enterprise faces their final foe: network executives coming to announce that the series has been canceled. During the Weekend Update, Emily Litella lends Chevy Chase a hand in reading the news after one of the stories flops. An ad pitches the new Vibramatic personal massager for tense muscles. The Bees put on a performance of The Honeymooners. Leon Redbone performs "Shine On, Harvest Moon" and "Walking Stick" and Harlan Collins & Joyce Everson perform "Heaven Only Knows".

The host for the episode is Louise Lasser, and the musical guest is The Preservation Hall Jazz Band. The skits for this episode are as follows: John Belushi and Chevy Chase have an argument over how the opening to the show should be done. After Louise Lasser's opening monologue, General Idi Amin comes on to warn viewers about the importance of checking oneself for V.D., using himself as an example of the effects of advanced-stage syphilis. In a parody of Swedish films, a couple involved in a secret affair fool death by sending him out for a pizza. An advertisement pitches potholders made from human hair. Chevy Chase presents the Weekend Update, with a special segment on Olga Korbut. Two teenage girls discuss the hazards of dating with a padded bra and whether they'd want to see a guy naked. The Preservation Hall Jazz Band performs "Panama".

The host for the episode is Kris Kristofferson, and the musical guest is Rita Coolidge. The skits for this episode are as follows: Kris Kristofferson sings "Help Me Make It Through The Night" after Chevy Chase falls out of bed, where he was with musical guest Rita Coolidge. After Kris' monologue, secretary Sherry Norwalk talks about how she got a job at SNL helping the writers come up with ideas by having sex with them. The Samurai general practitioner treats one of his patients. Jesse Owens presents a set of commemorative medals honoring white athletes. A clip from a new TV show called Police State is shown, about two cops in Los Angeles who respond to every call by killing anyone they encounter and then talking about where to go eat. Kris Kristofferson talks about how viewers can overcome the handicap of a good education to become successful country music stars. Kris gets reunited with the original Bobby McGee, only to find that she's now become a straight-laced suburban housewife married to a jealous handbag salesman. A woman gets set up for a blind date, only to discover that the date is her gynecologist. Two tramps wait around for a mysterious philosopher named Pardo. Kris Kristofferson performs "I've Got a Life of My Own", Rita Coolidge performs " Hula Hoop", and together they perform "Eddie the Eunuch".