2003

S1Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal: Original Pilot

Thu, Jun 01, 2006

After his wife kicks him out of the house, Alan must move in with his brother Charlie.

8.1 /10

S1.E1 ∙ Pilot

Sun, Sep 21, 2003

After 12 years of marriage, Alan's wife Judith, kicks him out and he turns to his older brother Charlie for help. Charlie has trouble altering his carefree lifestyle to accommodate the presence of his 10-year-old nephew Jake.

8.1 /10

S1.E2 ∙ Big Flappy Bastards

Sun, Sep 28, 2003

Alan punishes Jake for an incident at Judith's house. Charlie is lax in enforcing Alan's restrictions, and when some seagulls invade Charlie's house as a result of Jake's actions, Charlie must learn how to discipline his nephew.

7.7 /10

S1.E3 ∙ Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Sun, Oct 05, 2003

Charlie and Alan go out drinking. Alan tries to reconcile with his wife. After that fails, they decide to confront the root of their issues, their mother.

7.7 /10

S1.E4 ∙ If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap

Sun, Oct 12, 2003

As Charlie tries to write a new jingle, Berta quits, and Alan, leaving Charlie to get Jake ready for a dinner, tries to convince her to come back; Rose tries to get Charlie's help to prepare for a date.

7.9 /10

S1.E5 ∙ The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

Sun, Oct 19, 2003

Jake's soccer games lead to Alan and Charlie having encounters with teammates' sexy mothers.

7.8 /10

S1.E6 ∙ Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Sun, Oct 26, 2003

Charlie and Evelyn date members of the same family.

7.5 /10

S1.E7 ∙ If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

Sun, Nov 02, 2003

Jake sees a butterfly tattoo on the firm bottom of a surfer-chick friend of Charlie's and draws a picture of it for school. Of course, this enrages Judith until she becomes very good friends with the woman herself.

8.3 /10

S1.E8 ∙ Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful

Sun, Nov 09, 2003

After being tricked into helping Alan and Judith produce Jake's class musical, Charlie is flattered to find out that the kids know all the words to his jingles. Alan is blindsided with divorce papers from Judith, causing strife which results in Charlie, who refuses to deal with the pre-pubers without a snootful, having to produce the play on his own. Jake is crushed when he realizes that a reconciliation between his parents might never happen.

7.8 /10

S1.E9 ∙ Phase One, Complete

Sun, Nov 16, 2003

Charlie wants to dump a female friend to whom Jake has grown attached. Alan and Rose bond over a game of Scrabble.

7.5 /10

S1.E10 ∙ Merry Thanksgiving

Sun, Nov 23, 2003

Thanksgiving winds up being the least thankful day of the year for Charlie, who has to bribe various members of his household to even come to a traditional turkey dinner. Not only are the usual feuds in evidence (leading to a turkey-carving right out of "Psycho") but Judith's parents are actually sympathetic to Alan and hostile to their own daughter for her "fling" with lesbianism.

8 /10

S1.E11 ∙ Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

Sun, Dec 14, 2003

Seeing Judith's new look and boyfriend prompts Alan to realize that if he wants to get back into the dating scene, he will need to change his look also.

7.6 /10

S1.E12 ∙ Camel Filters and Pheromones

Sun, Jan 04, 2004

Berta brings her 16-year-old granddaughter to work, which poses issues for the men.

8.6 /10

S1.E13 ∙ Sarah Like Puny Alan

Sun, Jan 11, 2004

Charlie tries to nurse Alan back from the flu because he needs him for a double date with sisters.

7.6 /10

S1.E14 ∙ I Can't Afford Hyenas

Sun, Feb 01, 2004

Charlie's accountant Stan tries to make Charlie understand his desperate financial situation.

7.7 /10

S1.E15 ∙ Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Sun, Feb 08, 2004

Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie--against Alan's advice.

7.8 /10

S1.E16 ∙ That Was Saliva, Alan

Sun, Feb 15, 2004

Now that Frankie has tricked the Harpers into sheltering her and her daughter Joanie, she explains that Bob's parents want her declared mentally incompetent in order to get custody. Charlie wants to dump her, but Alan insists that they must stay. Jake doesn't enjoy the 8-year-old's "romantic" attention. Charlie hates the consolation kisses and compliments, and is stunned when Frankie prefers intimacy with Alan. Charlie rightly warns him that he's just falling for his "damsel in distress", then warns her not to hurt his kid brother.

7.8 /10

S1.E17 ∙ Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats

Sun, Feb 22, 2004

Charlie is offended when Alan chooses their married, responsible cousins as Jake's guardians.

7.9 /10

S1.E18 ∙ An Old Flame with a New Wick

Sun, Feb 29, 2004

Charlie's old flame Jill visits and has really changed: "Jill" has transitioned since Charlie last saw him and is now called Bill. Before Charlie can adapt, Evelyn meets and starts dating Bill.

8.4 /10

S1.E19 ∙ I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You

Sun, Mar 21, 2004

Judith's sister Liz visits for Jake's birthday.

8.1 /10

S1.E20 ∙ Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark

Sun, Apr 18, 2004

Jake plays electric guitar all day long and doesn't want to do anything else. Alan and Charlie can't figure out why. Jake refuses to discuss anything with anyone, including his grandmother and even a psychologist.

7.5 /10

S1.E21 ∙ No Sniffing, No Wowing

Sun, May 02, 2004

Charlie tries to seduce Alan's divorce lawyer Laura, and her assistant. He sleeps with Laura and they decide not to tell Alan anything since it's unethical, considering that Charlie is a participant in the case.

8 /10

S1.E22 ∙ My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet

Sun, May 09, 2004

Charlie notices that Alan sleepwalks and tries to find out what's causing it and how to deal with it. He asks for help from their mother Evelyn and Jake's psychologist, Dr. Linda Freeman.

7.8 /10

S1.E23 ∙ Just Like Buffalo

Sun, May 16, 2004

When Jake repeats to Judith something Charlie says, she refuses to let Alan take Jake for the weekend. Alan tries to talk to Judith, but encounters resistance from her and her friends. It's up to Charlie to set things right.

8.4 /10

S1.E24 ∙ Can You Feel My Finger

Sun, May 23, 2004

Charlie is sure he isn't ready for fatherhood after a year of trying to raise Jake, so he opts to have a vasectomy. But when the doctor performing the procedure keeps getting calls from his wife -- who's about to give birth -- Charlie starts to think about what fatherhood might entail and likes the idea, provided he still has his vital organs intact (in more ways than one).

8.1 /10